Tonight I was waiting for a mate on Grafton Street. Some junkbag asked me if I wanted any coke. My mouth was full at the time so I just shook my head. He looked real pissed off that I didn't respond with words. He would have ended up a whole lot more pissed off if my mouth hadn't been full of creamy Galaxy Fruit and Nut. Coke, Coke Heads and Coke Dealers can eat a big bowl of dick and choke.
My mate rang and said he would be a bit late. I needed to kill some more time. Standing around town makes you look suspicious, or at least that's what the people who were looking at me suspiciously would have me believe. I'll go the loo. Just a tinkle before the gig. I've only been to the place where the gig that we are going to is on once before, and I couldn't remember what the toilets were like, so I wont chance it. Is that a big deal for me? Welcome to this blog entry.
I went into McDonald's and I remembered the last time I needed to use McDonald's for an emergency drop off. Not the pee thing. The other thing. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I'm not going into it. Emergency public toilet drop-offs are my worst nightmare. I usually have to try 4-5 different places in town before I can set down. There's two main problems with using public toilets that I encounter.
ONE
Usually there is three cubicles. One will be full of .. "spray"... one will be full of .... "marks" and the other will be covered in both. All will be covered in cigarette burns, but they don't bother me so much as I cover the seats in paper, like 50 ply. Sometimes people don't flush. I've been scabby in the past and used the disabled toilets and I gotta say, ...clean as a whistle. Disabled people, people who possibly have trouble using the toilet, keep cleaner bowl than able-bodied Joes. Insane.
TWO
There's people outside the door who can hear you poop. They're listening. What if.. I dunno.. your poo makes funny sounds. Sometimes...I'm just gonna say it.... my butt sings. Only sometimes. As a result I can't do it when there's people outside the door. So what to do? Well.. here's a small guide with the main moves. From the title menu, press and hold Start and Select...
The Hitman
Wait until you're certain the place is empty and do the job. This can take a while and you can never be too sure if you're alone.
Army Of Two & The Back Stab
Some people aren't lunatics and will let loose in a toilet like people probably should. I wish I could but I'm weird. The plan is to wait until someone else does what you wanna do... and join in. At least you wont be alone. ALWAYS let him walk out first to face the awkwardness. Alone.
The Silencer/ Muffler
Take a hand full of toilet ro...... No.
Not even going to explain that one. It's straight up wrong, like.
Distractor Fan
Since the middle ages, assassins and criminals would use distractions or loud noises to cover the sound of a hit or a heist. Later on, in centuries to follow, sometimes snipers would wait until the bell tower struck 12 to take a shot covering up the sound of the gunshot. Well nowadays the common Hand Dryer is your friend. Some of those yokes are JET-ENGINE-LOUD. Wait till one goes off and get ready to push it to the limit.
I hope these help somebody someday. Getting caught out in town is no joke. I will leave you with this glimmer of hope. Yamamori on Georges St has the single most amazing toilet in the history of public toilets. It's you... in a room... on your own. Mega clean. A big thick door locks you in and there is a good stroll down to the toilet bowl itself, meaning people outside waiting can't hear what goes on with you and your loo.
Maybe someday we can all live in a world where public toilets are even half this amazing but I guess not all restaurants serve bowel destroying Wasabi every day.
Bye for now. Happy Holodecks if I don't blog to you before then.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Walk
It was Arctic weather. I entered a room and saw the Moldovan. He was speaking some sort of Romanian dialect with the Hungarians. The Chinese men entered. One was full of cheer and the other seemed happy but remained his usual silent self. The Italian was drunk and merry. The Frenchman and the Russian girl were chatting away in good spirits. I was informed that the Pole and the only two other Irishmen were a no show due to illness. We would have to do this without them.
There wasn't any tension, just anticipation. I knew that the Hungarians had starved themselves all day in preparation. The Slovakian was staying behind to keep the house in order. If she needs any help she can radio across to the sister building and the Mongolian girl would help out. When the final Hungarian arrived, we set outside our comfort zone to head 20 minutes across the city by foot.
I knew I was the real foreigner my Christmas Dinner Party.
One of the Hungarians took photos along the way. He photographed a car being driven, and occupied by two African women. As soon as the flash went off, the car shrieked to a halt and the door open. None of us could grasp what she was screaming at him but It sounded like she didn't appreciate having her photo taken and I'm pretty sure she thought he was someone hired to do so. Another classic snap was of a Sex Shop on Caple St., but just as he took the photo a nervous customer was entering and was startled by the flash.
The dinner was blah, yeah, good I wont bore you with the details. I sat with the Moldovan and asked him about his homeland, the mafia, prison and other cool shit.
The stockier, older Hungarian who turns out to be Romanian, asked me if I could make him a cd of music. When I asked him what he would like, he said, in one breath with no facial expression : "The Homosexual Freddy Mercury".
Not "That homosexual?...eh.. whats his name ...oh!! Freddy Mercury!", so I don't think he was trying to be shocking but ..it sounded weird. He then said and I quote" I like music of the fags, Freddy Mercury, Elton John, George Michael, Rod Steward but I am not fag, I just like the music'". It was just getting weird. He's a fitness freak with a bit of a flouncy name who lives alone and I think he's gonna make an important discovery someday..... about himself.
Oh... and probably one or two things about Rob Steward too.
There wasn't any tension, just anticipation. I knew that the Hungarians had starved themselves all day in preparation. The Slovakian was staying behind to keep the house in order. If she needs any help she can radio across to the sister building and the Mongolian girl would help out. When the final Hungarian arrived, we set outside our comfort zone to head 20 minutes across the city by foot.
I knew I was the real foreigner my Christmas Dinner Party.
One of the Hungarians took photos along the way. He photographed a car being driven, and occupied by two African women. As soon as the flash went off, the car shrieked to a halt and the door open. None of us could grasp what she was screaming at him but It sounded like she didn't appreciate having her photo taken and I'm pretty sure she thought he was someone hired to do so. Another classic snap was of a Sex Shop on Caple St., but just as he took the photo a nervous customer was entering and was startled by the flash.
The dinner was blah, yeah, good I wont bore you with the details. I sat with the Moldovan and asked him about his homeland, the mafia, prison and other cool shit.
The stockier, older Hungarian who turns out to be Romanian, asked me if I could make him a cd of music. When I asked him what he would like, he said, in one breath with no facial expression : "The Homosexual Freddy Mercury".
Not "That homosexual?...eh.. whats his name ...oh!! Freddy Mercury!", so I don't think he was trying to be shocking but ..it sounded weird. He then said and I quote" I like music of the fags, Freddy Mercury, Elton John, George Michael, Rod Steward but I am not fag, I just like the music'". It was just getting weird. He's a fitness freak with a bit of a flouncy name who lives alone and I think he's gonna make an important discovery someday..... about himself.
Oh... and probably one or two things about Rob Steward too.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Poem Trilogy
Nightboat
-----------------------
Nightboat,
Human contraband afloat
Police cruiser nears, lump in throat
Nightboat.
CP Girl
--------------------------
She dont mind the boys at lunchtime, in a line,
grabbing touchies and feelies.
She'll let you do that thing behind Crazy Prices
for a Chomp and a packet of Meanies.
Ad Break
-----------------------
Beanz Meanz Heinz
Ariston and on,
The Milkybar Kid is strong and tough,
Bang and the dirt is gone.
-----------------------
Nightboat,
Human contraband afloat
Police cruiser nears, lump in throat
Nightboat.
CP Girl
--------------------------
She dont mind the boys at lunchtime, in a line,
grabbing touchies and feelies.
She'll let you do that thing behind Crazy Prices
for a Chomp and a packet of Meanies.
Ad Break
-----------------------
Beanz Meanz Heinz
Ariston and on,
The Milkybar Kid is strong and tough,
Bang and the dirt is gone.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Super Market Crime Operation
Me and a friend were talking about our disgraceful CVs. My first ever job was helping to dismantle trucks for 2 weeks. My second job has much more Blog material, however if you don't want a spiel about school and the starting of my second job, skip ahead to the section entitled The Dairy. It's slightly shorter. I think. I wont be upset.
My second Job
I got a job in a super market years ago. Lots of years ago. I'm not going to go and complain about this in any kind of obvious way, like that I wasn't treated with respect or even that I wasn't paid properly. I didn't know the meaning of respect and I bought a load of useless shite when I was 17, so we wont linger in any "My So Called Life" kinda way. (On a side note, in the "Wanna See Which Celebrity You Look Most Like Because You're Bored On Myspace Picture Analysis Thingie", I was likened 90% to Claire Danes of MSCL and a load of Asian actresses. Thank you internet, you cockboat)
YADA\ My interview for the super market was awkward. It ended up like my entrance exam for Secondary School. I would end up in the middle class. Not too clever, not too smart, under-radar flying, low profile keeping, jack of all trades - master of none. Suits me. I'm an observer. Balls, I'm good at art. I'll keep it basic though, don't wanna end up in any award situations or special after school projects. YADA. Although I never let it show, school was hell. Even though I ducked most of the drama and bullshit, I hated trying to fill my brain with nonsense that my real brain was laughing at. Equations, Oxbow Lakes, Dutch wars and the French word for Party (I think it's "Boom" but that might be slang or just plain false information - My teacher looked like John Malkovich and was insane.) /YADA
And what was like middle class in terms of my position in the Super Market?
Well between the shop floor and the payroll offices was the STOCK ROOM . The girl told me : "Paul you will be working with Bernard in the stock room". I automatically imagined me and Bernard in brown coats passing out boxes from a small room. Two stools, one newspaper, I was a MAN now... or something.
No way. This place was HUGE! Floor to ceiling ketchup and toilet roll. Mr. Bernard Finglas had his own office and there was 12 lads working in the stock room and one of them could eat a whole big chicken on his lunch break. I saw it, it was horrible. I could probably do that now for a bet but we were 17, like. I'd say he's dead now. I soon got mouthy with the wrong shop floor managers who would frequent the Stock Room to hurry us up and also...my pet name for Mister Finglas has gotten back to him through a loudmouth saying it too... eh.. loud. Burn Hard Finger Ass. Although Bernard liked the cut of my gib, I was soon moved to the Dairy which was the mini stock room in a FRIDGE. Not quite the Frozen Foods room, which was an actual Freezer, occupied by poor, frail, freakish zombies with no souls and empty stares.
Now I was in the middle OF the middle.
-----The Halfway Mark , You have completed 50% of this blog entry ---
The Dairy
The story of my first day in the Dairy is where this blog entry will end. I have wiped the mind numbing experiences of the year which followed from my thoughts.
I was unloading milk from a pallet when two lads closed the door of the Dairy over. Older lads. Just the three of us in the fridge. Three lads in a fridge. One of them was staring at me. I knew the other lad from the stock room days (fourteen days, not quite the ERA I make it sound) I knew (presumed) ..(? still presume) that Kerry was the heaviest of all butters. If I swing a box of that at the taller fella... I might avoid boy rape. The small one muttered to the fella that I kinda knew "Will he rat on us?".... ????
- Nah he wont..
- He looks like he might rat
- He wont rat, he started Burn Hard Finger Ass, sure - Paul put down that butter for a sec and cm'ere.
Bollox I will.
Were gonna trust you, d'ya want to help us?
The rapey suspicion kinda went away and I knew they were up to something much less worrying but more exiting for me.
I wondered if they were stashing money from the tills. Maybe one of the girls gives them a few quid here and there hidden in he returns basket ... and they divvy it up at the end of the day???
Were they stashing lost wallets there??
Jazz mags? (I'm seventeen here, I'm not talking about the music kind) It's something good I know it is. Older lads are into mad shit. Mad older shit.
One of them held the door open a bit and told me to "Keep Sketch" while the smaller fella ran into the corner and slid a box out from behind the CrackerBarrels. I was confused by this as I was staring at them and they then asked if I knew what keeping sketch meant. I turned away to see if anyone was about. They were mumbling. They were up to something class!
One of the old shop floor ladies walked by the door. I said hello. She said "You must be freezing" She always said that and it annoyed me because her and her mates came in early to steal our fridge jackets to wear on the floor where it wasn't even that cold. She turned the corner and I then turned and finally got to see what kinda class things the class older lads were up to.
!
...
?
SAPS.
Ya know what?, ... fuck that and fuck them...... The smaller lad was eating a CheeseString and the other lad was just sitting there watching that lad eat the newly opened, stolen Cheesestring. They were giggling. Like a couple of cheese stealing, cheese eating, cheese watching little dopes. There was no class older lad scheme with money, wallets or pornography. I felt like a gimp holding the door.
A few weeks later a fella in the Deli was done for selling choice cuts on the cheap to his neighbours I think. Cops involved and all. He had been doing it for ages! He hated the place!
...
I was hanging with the fuckin' Cheesestring bandits.
My second Job
I got a job in a super market years ago. Lots of years ago. I'm not going to go and complain about this in any kind of obvious way, like that I wasn't treated with respect or even that I wasn't paid properly. I didn't know the meaning of respect and I bought a load of useless shite when I was 17, so we wont linger in any "My So Called Life" kinda way. (On a side note, in the "Wanna See Which Celebrity You Look Most Like Because You're Bored On Myspace Picture Analysis Thingie", I was likened 90% to Claire Danes of MSCL and a load of Asian actresses. Thank you internet, you cockboat)
YADA\ My interview for the super market was awkward. It ended up like my entrance exam for Secondary School. I would end up in the middle class. Not too clever, not too smart, under-radar flying, low profile keeping, jack of all trades - master of none. Suits me. I'm an observer. Balls, I'm good at art. I'll keep it basic though, don't wanna end up in any award situations or special after school projects. YADA. Although I never let it show, school was hell. Even though I ducked most of the drama and bullshit, I hated trying to fill my brain with nonsense that my real brain was laughing at. Equations, Oxbow Lakes, Dutch wars and the French word for Party (I think it's "Boom" but that might be slang or just plain false information - My teacher looked like John Malkovich and was insane.) /YADA
And what was like middle class in terms of my position in the Super Market?
Well between the shop floor and the payroll offices was the STOCK ROOM . The girl told me : "Paul you will be working with Bernard in the stock room". I automatically imagined me and Bernard in brown coats passing out boxes from a small room. Two stools, one newspaper, I was a MAN now... or something.
No way. This place was HUGE! Floor to ceiling ketchup and toilet roll. Mr. Bernard Finglas had his own office and there was 12 lads working in the stock room and one of them could eat a whole big chicken on his lunch break. I saw it, it was horrible. I could probably do that now for a bet but we were 17, like. I'd say he's dead now. I soon got mouthy with the wrong shop floor managers who would frequent the Stock Room to hurry us up and also...my pet name for Mister Finglas has gotten back to him through a loudmouth saying it too... eh.. loud. Burn Hard Finger Ass. Although Bernard liked the cut of my gib, I was soon moved to the Dairy which was the mini stock room in a FRIDGE. Not quite the Frozen Foods room, which was an actual Freezer, occupied by poor, frail, freakish zombies with no souls and empty stares.
Now I was in the middle OF the middle.
-----The Halfway Mark , You have completed 50% of this blog entry ---
The Dairy
The story of my first day in the Dairy is where this blog entry will end. I have wiped the mind numbing experiences of the year which followed from my thoughts.
I was unloading milk from a pallet when two lads closed the door of the Dairy over. Older lads. Just the three of us in the fridge. Three lads in a fridge. One of them was staring at me. I knew the other lad from the stock room days (fourteen days, not quite the ERA I make it sound) I knew (presumed) ..(? still presume) that Kerry was the heaviest of all butters. If I swing a box of that at the taller fella... I might avoid boy rape. The small one muttered to the fella that I kinda knew "Will he rat on us?".... ????
- Nah he wont..
- He looks like he might rat
- He wont rat, he started Burn Hard Finger Ass, sure - Paul put down that butter for a sec and cm'ere.
Bollox I will.
Were gonna trust you, d'ya want to help us?
The rapey suspicion kinda went away and I knew they were up to something much less worrying but more exiting for me.
I wondered if they were stashing money from the tills. Maybe one of the girls gives them a few quid here and there hidden in he returns basket ... and they divvy it up at the end of the day???
Were they stashing lost wallets there??
Jazz mags? (I'm seventeen here, I'm not talking about the music kind) It's something good I know it is. Older lads are into mad shit. Mad older shit.
One of them held the door open a bit and told me to "Keep Sketch" while the smaller fella ran into the corner and slid a box out from behind the CrackerBarrels. I was confused by this as I was staring at them and they then asked if I knew what keeping sketch meant. I turned away to see if anyone was about. They were mumbling. They were up to something class!
One of the old shop floor ladies walked by the door. I said hello. She said "You must be freezing" She always said that and it annoyed me because her and her mates came in early to steal our fridge jackets to wear on the floor where it wasn't even that cold. She turned the corner and I then turned and finally got to see what kinda class things the class older lads were up to.
!
...
?
SAPS.
Ya know what?, ... fuck that and fuck them...... The smaller lad was eating a CheeseString and the other lad was just sitting there watching that lad eat the newly opened, stolen Cheesestring. They were giggling. Like a couple of cheese stealing, cheese eating, cheese watching little dopes. There was no class older lad scheme with money, wallets or pornography. I felt like a gimp holding the door.
A few weeks later a fella in the Deli was done for selling choice cuts on the cheap to his neighbours I think. Cops involved and all. He had been doing it for ages! He hated the place!
...
I was hanging with the fuckin' Cheesestring bandits.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I'm not even going to try to choose my words carefully.
I found my girlfriends flute on her bed today. She was playing it before I got there. I can usually play any instrument to a passable degree after a couple of minutes. She has some Turkish violin made out of a hollowed coconut and intestines or something and a bow that looked like shred of swan wing in her basement and I rocked that motherfucker automatically.
The flute is impossible. Hardest instrument ever. Harder than the Thermin.
While we were walking through town today I saw a scrotebag and his mate throw an egg down a busy Henry Street. My Spidey senses alerted me to it as soon as it was thrown. I looked back and an Indian lad was milled in the back with it. I eyeballed the knackerbastards and they looked like they were gonna start something but they bottled it. As we walked down the end of the road (I walked backwards to make sure they didnt make a go of me from a distance) we saw a lot more broken eggs and an older dude wiping gloop off his bag.
SCUM.
Were watching Zack And Mirri Make A Porno. Its decent. Shes on her way back upstairs with food so.. laterz
The flute is impossible. Hardest instrument ever. Harder than the Thermin.
While we were walking through town today I saw a scrotebag and his mate throw an egg down a busy Henry Street. My Spidey senses alerted me to it as soon as it was thrown. I looked back and an Indian lad was milled in the back with it. I eyeballed the knackerbastards and they looked like they were gonna start something but they bottled it. As we walked down the end of the road (I walked backwards to make sure they didnt make a go of me from a distance) we saw a lot more broken eggs and an older dude wiping gloop off his bag.
SCUM.
Were watching Zack And Mirri Make A Porno. Its decent. Shes on her way back upstairs with food so.. laterz
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Recession, Anarchy, Irish Corn and Proximity: A Reprise
Part of me gets a sick pleasure in hearing our country is fucked.
Greed is an awful virtue and Irish people with power are the WORST.
Even though I know in these cases, the little man always suffers the most, there's a little voice inside me laughing at hearing Ireland is in debt to the tune of 8 Billion. I think I hope somehow, somewhere the smug grin will be wiped deservingly of someones face. I think somewhere deep down, part of me wants it to get so bad that even the suited pigs suffer. I know it sounds childish and anarchic but I hate how greedy the Irish as businessmen, employers and governing bodies have become.
This is mostly unconscious thoughts/feelings that I'm trying to explore and explain, as opposed to something Ive been thinking about. The subconscious is always more of a Black Comedy than the Romantic Feelgood Summer Blockbuster that is our conscious.
Most people that wish anarchy and disruption are just shock merchants looking for attention, anyway.
Irish Corn
There's only one word I can use to describe Irish television and that is CORNY. Embarrassing it is. Irish presenters, and probably more to the point, the producers are so blunt edged, it's painful. That TV3 show Xpose? OUCH! Never let the lowest common denominators of Blackrock talk about fashion. They're CORNY. That new Irish Cd being advertised, The Three Priests singing "YOU RRAAIISSEE MME UUPP" and also we have The Celtic Woman singing... yeah, "YOOUU RAAIISSEE MMEE UUPPP".. Man we are Corny fucks. I'm ashamed. I guess it's not as bad as Irish Clubland : techno versions of the Fields Of Athenry and "Ill Tell Me Ma" and whatnot. That's up there with the Famine and Omagh.
What is WRONG with some people???
Proximity: A Reprise.
In my last blog about personal space issues I forgot to mention that I hate when your waking in a tight space and some CROWN WARDEN is letting a line of people past and feels the need to tap each one or touch each one on the back or shoulder as they go.
I hate having to warn them about not doing it to me before they even think about it...
..but what I hate even more than that is some people's "OOhhhh, are you a molestee??" attitude you get just because you don't like PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW putting their hands on you. Why are more people not creeped out by this? Ive gotten that from a couple of people in the past.
"You don't had to have been molested, to have your personal boundaries tested" that's what I always say :)
Greed is an awful virtue and Irish people with power are the WORST.
Even though I know in these cases, the little man always suffers the most, there's a little voice inside me laughing at hearing Ireland is in debt to the tune of 8 Billion. I think I hope somehow, somewhere the smug grin will be wiped deservingly of someones face. I think somewhere deep down, part of me wants it to get so bad that even the suited pigs suffer. I know it sounds childish and anarchic but I hate how greedy the Irish as businessmen, employers and governing bodies have become.
This is mostly unconscious thoughts/feelings that I'm trying to explore and explain, as opposed to something Ive been thinking about. The subconscious is always more of a Black Comedy than the Romantic Feelgood Summer Blockbuster that is our conscious.
Most people that wish anarchy and disruption are just shock merchants looking for attention, anyway.
Irish Corn
There's only one word I can use to describe Irish television and that is CORNY. Embarrassing it is. Irish presenters, and probably more to the point, the producers are so blunt edged, it's painful. That TV3 show Xpose? OUCH! Never let the lowest common denominators of Blackrock talk about fashion. They're CORNY. That new Irish Cd being advertised, The Three Priests singing "YOU RRAAIISSEE MME UUPP" and also we have The Celtic Woman singing... yeah, "YOOUU RAAIISSEE MMEE UUPPP".. Man we are Corny fucks. I'm ashamed. I guess it's not as bad as Irish Clubland : techno versions of the Fields Of Athenry and "Ill Tell Me Ma" and whatnot. That's up there with the Famine and Omagh.
What is WRONG with some people???
Proximity: A Reprise.
In my last blog about personal space issues I forgot to mention that I hate when your waking in a tight space and some CROWN WARDEN is letting a line of people past and feels the need to tap each one or touch each one on the back or shoulder as they go.
I hate having to warn them about not doing it to me before they even think about it...
..but what I hate even more than that is some people's "OOhhhh, are you a molestee??" attitude you get just because you don't like PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW putting their hands on you. Why are more people not creeped out by this? Ive gotten that from a couple of people in the past.
"You don't had to have been molested, to have your personal boundaries tested" that's what I always say :)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
My Proximity: The Spatial Awareness Of The General Public And Turning Africanees
Spatial Awareness Part 1
So I'm sitting on the bus listening to my iPod and on board pops a bunch of school kids. I'm not a fan of people sitting beside me but that's life. I saw in the corner of my eye that this kid was sitting , turned sidewards facing his mates. He was an animated little fucker. His elbow seemed to keep hitting me which I just let go until it really started to get to me. Did he not know , did he not feel his arm hitting off mine and think to himself "I think I keep hitting that guy" ? No.
After a few elbow whacks I lifted by arm up with a lot of force knocking him quite noticeably forward. He took a moment and moved slightly away from me yet seconds later his fucking elbow...hitting..again. I took my earphones out and turned to "WTF" him and just a split second before opening my mouth, noticed a hearing aid. Him and his mates were yapping away with their hands and.. yeah elbows. Bullet dodged. I do find it ironic, though, that I was interrupted by a conversation when I had my iPod on full whack. Him and his mates were banging the seats frantically to get each others attention if they weren't facing them at the time. It was kind of unnerving at first. Not used to it I guess.
Spatial Awareness Part 2
Ass. I was in Xtravision bending over to look at a DVD when A guy (old dude with his wife) walked past me and then back again he stopped and bent over, pressing his ass cheeks against mine. Not "bumped", he left them there. My girlfriend noticed this. I was in shock and quite loudly said "There is an ASS in my ASS" Of course the guy behind me heard, shot up and as was walking off I heard him say sorry. Weird. Did he not FEEL that???
Spatial Awareness Part 3
I am a master of awareness ....most of the time. I have my route planned through a crowd at least 2-3 meters ahead. When I have to leave the DJ box and walk across the dancefloor, I take into account and anticipate the people ahead of me headbanging, hip swinging and arm waving in relation to my route and when I need to slow and turn, slip to the side because I don't want to touch any of the filthy little fuckers.
Anyway, I made a great gauntlet run on the way to the toilet from the Dj box on Thursday and as I got to the top of the dancefloor steps I was thinking about how agile i could be when wanted, SLIP...my feet fly from under me.... on the wet wood.. I was falling hard.. my foot catches a in chair which has bottle on it. Lots of mess. I got to my feet pretty quick , so quick infact, that only one dude saw me. "Are you ok dude?" I told him I have no idea what hes talking about and he says "
Ah, understood" I notice a couple of girls freaking out that their dresses are soaking. I make my way to the toilet.....
Turning Africanees
I hate using the regular toilets but in this case I had to move quick. The fall had shaken my bladder or something. I hate using them for many reasons. Mainly because they they stink and there's an different "Sink Helper"? dude in there every week and I need to keep telling them that I work there and not to bother with the turning on the water for me, giving me towels and all the other bullshit that comes along with a grown man trying to use the sink by himself, and I'm sorry, but bullshit is what it is. I wanna tell him that I'm not tipping staff while I'm in work but it gets harder and more uncomfortable each time. I like the odd occasion there's a guy there I have met before and we have a yap about how busy it is or whatever.
The one hilarious thing is the young metaller dudes trying to bond with these African dudes in the stupidest ways possible. It must piss them off but they get tips so I guess they smile and ignore the idiocy. Any time I walk in there it's usually :
"..ya probably hate all this music do ya man, "
" See ya layer BRO, man"
"that election man, congrats like Its good to see ya know himself...having a chance ya know" ????
".. my auntie actually lived in Kenya for years..did ya know that?"
I'm gonna try sticking with the upstairs staff toilet but I have to walk by the goths on the stairs to get to that and their silence is more creepy and uncomfortable than that toilet bollocks.
Well this post has been longer than Phil Lynotts legs...
Seriously. Torso/leg ratio...??
X Factor is on I'm gonna take a hike.
Ya'll come back now,
ya hear.
So I'm sitting on the bus listening to my iPod and on board pops a bunch of school kids. I'm not a fan of people sitting beside me but that's life. I saw in the corner of my eye that this kid was sitting , turned sidewards facing his mates. He was an animated little fucker. His elbow seemed to keep hitting me which I just let go until it really started to get to me. Did he not know , did he not feel his arm hitting off mine and think to himself "I think I keep hitting that guy" ? No.
After a few elbow whacks I lifted by arm up with a lot of force knocking him quite noticeably forward. He took a moment and moved slightly away from me yet seconds later his fucking elbow...hitting..again. I took my earphones out and turned to "WTF" him and just a split second before opening my mouth, noticed a hearing aid. Him and his mates were yapping away with their hands and.. yeah elbows. Bullet dodged. I do find it ironic, though, that I was interrupted by a conversation when I had my iPod on full whack. Him and his mates were banging the seats frantically to get each others attention if they weren't facing them at the time. It was kind of unnerving at first. Not used to it I guess.
Spatial Awareness Part 2
Ass. I was in Xtravision bending over to look at a DVD when A guy (old dude with his wife) walked past me and then back again he stopped and bent over, pressing his ass cheeks against mine. Not "bumped", he left them there. My girlfriend noticed this. I was in shock and quite loudly said "There is an ASS in my ASS" Of course the guy behind me heard, shot up and as was walking off I heard him say sorry. Weird. Did he not FEEL that???
Spatial Awareness Part 3
I am a master of awareness ....most of the time. I have my route planned through a crowd at least 2-3 meters ahead. When I have to leave the DJ box and walk across the dancefloor, I take into account and anticipate the people ahead of me headbanging, hip swinging and arm waving in relation to my route and when I need to slow and turn, slip to the side because I don't want to touch any of the filthy little fuckers.
Anyway, I made a great gauntlet run on the way to the toilet from the Dj box on Thursday and as I got to the top of the dancefloor steps I was thinking about how agile i could be when wanted, SLIP...my feet fly from under me.... on the wet wood.. I was falling hard.. my foot catches a in chair which has bottle on it. Lots of mess. I got to my feet pretty quick , so quick infact, that only one dude saw me. "Are you ok dude?" I told him I have no idea what hes talking about and he says "
Ah, understood" I notice a couple of girls freaking out that their dresses are soaking. I make my way to the toilet.....
Turning Africanees
I hate using the regular toilets but in this case I had to move quick. The fall had shaken my bladder or something. I hate using them for many reasons. Mainly because they they stink and there's an different "Sink Helper"? dude in there every week and I need to keep telling them that I work there and not to bother with the turning on the water for me, giving me towels and all the other bullshit that comes along with a grown man trying to use the sink by himself, and I'm sorry, but bullshit is what it is. I wanna tell him that I'm not tipping staff while I'm in work but it gets harder and more uncomfortable each time. I like the odd occasion there's a guy there I have met before and we have a yap about how busy it is or whatever.
The one hilarious thing is the young metaller dudes trying to bond with these African dudes in the stupidest ways possible. It must piss them off but they get tips so I guess they smile and ignore the idiocy. Any time I walk in there it's usually :
"..ya probably hate all this music do ya man, "
" See ya layer BRO, man"
"that election man, congrats like Its good to see ya know himself...having a chance ya know" ????
".. my auntie actually lived in Kenya for years..did ya know that?"
I'm gonna try sticking with the upstairs staff toilet but I have to walk by the goths on the stairs to get to that and their silence is more creepy and uncomfortable than that toilet bollocks.
Well this post has been longer than Phil Lynotts legs...
Seriously. Torso/leg ratio...??
X Factor is on I'm gonna take a hike.
Ya'll come back now,
ya hear.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Scrabble, Malcolm X Factor
I will do ANYTHING, within the rules, to beat my girlfriend at Scrabble. I dropped an N bomb on the Scrabble board on Friday. I say board, it was on the Nintendo Ds. When we started, I was given ENGIGIR or something. I was really only testing it to see if it was accepted by the Collins list in the game. Boom. Ouch. A short while later, in mid game, I dropped the DS and lost wireless reception. Game ruined. I thought maybe the spirit of Malcolm X had somehow played a part.
I think this was only because I was watching the Malcolm X movie recently, so he was in my head. I was wondering though, why I hadn't seen a shifty white trailer hick polishing a gun for the whole movie. It transpires he was killed by two African American Muslims. Not knowing much of American history sure payed off with a killer twist. Spike Lee is a great director. Biopics were cool before Hollywood wore them down. I wonder who will play Obama. Will smith might be too old by them time they make that movie. Unless he gets shot. Obama, not Will. I really hope that doesn't happen. Will Smith has aged well, you never know.
I downloaded Nina Simone's Greatest Hits yesterday. She's dead, God rest her, she wont get any money anyway. I had completely forgotten she's not a Diva style singer. Some of the stuff is real raw. I also downloaded Warren Zevon songs because he has escaped me like a greasy rabbit until now. I hope he is good. I'll listen tomorrow.
I watch X Factor because I like to see people that I don't like the look of, lose. It might take weeks but I honestly enjoy watching their dreams being pulled from under them. This is the first year I've ever watched it. I wish I had have known how medieval and barbaric it can be. Forget the songs. Look at those cocky deluded freaks cry. That Northern kid is next on my wish list to go. Unless he sings Zombie by the Cranberries, that would rule for all the wrong reasons.
Bits of random:
I often wonder how sore being shot in the arm would be.
When I notice a Security guard following me, I follow them. I really do. I need to sort that out.
I think people who parade animals around like this deserve what they get.
I've been writing horrible rap lyrics in my head all week. Need to get back to my Classical/Electronic project. Writing music on your own is so hard. Structure wise anyway. I might open this project up to others, for its own sake and mine.
Of late Ive been making up words too. Crapstaniel, Cripplewick, Satchelviesel. I need to find a gratifying project. Do I need other people to say "Yo, that's great"? Nnnnyyyeah. Yeah I think I do.
I think everyone needs it from time to time.
My girl gives me lots of inspiration, so I can't complain.
Here's one for herself.
"Such a classic girl,
Gives her man great ideas.
Hears you tell your friends,
Hey man, listen to my great idea!
It's true I am a villain
When you fall ill,
that's probably because
Men never can be.
Not like a girl.
A classic girl...
Such a classic girl..."
That's the last video, I swear.
Tomorrow (kinda today, I guess) I'm going to try to be nice to the rest of the human race. I'll try not to become impatient with slow people in front of me, or fast people behind me, walking up my hole. No eyeballing red face, screaming kids with their Hitleresque snot-moustaches. I might even get into an elevator if there is a buggy in it, but I cant smile warmly and approvingly at the kid. Unless there's something wrong with it.
I think this was only because I was watching the Malcolm X movie recently, so he was in my head. I was wondering though, why I hadn't seen a shifty white trailer hick polishing a gun for the whole movie. It transpires he was killed by two African American Muslims. Not knowing much of American history sure payed off with a killer twist. Spike Lee is a great director. Biopics were cool before Hollywood wore them down. I wonder who will play Obama. Will smith might be too old by them time they make that movie. Unless he gets shot. Obama, not Will. I really hope that doesn't happen. Will Smith has aged well, you never know.
I downloaded Nina Simone's Greatest Hits yesterday. She's dead, God rest her, she wont get any money anyway. I had completely forgotten she's not a Diva style singer. Some of the stuff is real raw. I also downloaded Warren Zevon songs because he has escaped me like a greasy rabbit until now. I hope he is good. I'll listen tomorrow.
I watch X Factor because I like to see people that I don't like the look of, lose. It might take weeks but I honestly enjoy watching their dreams being pulled from under them. This is the first year I've ever watched it. I wish I had have known how medieval and barbaric it can be. Forget the songs. Look at those cocky deluded freaks cry. That Northern kid is next on my wish list to go. Unless he sings Zombie by the Cranberries, that would rule for all the wrong reasons.
Bits of random:
I often wonder how sore being shot in the arm would be.
When I notice a Security guard following me, I follow them. I really do. I need to sort that out.
I think people who parade animals around like this deserve what they get.
I've been writing horrible rap lyrics in my head all week. Need to get back to my Classical/Electronic project. Writing music on your own is so hard. Structure wise anyway. I might open this project up to others, for its own sake and mine.
Of late Ive been making up words too. Crapstaniel, Cripplewick, Satchelviesel. I need to find a gratifying project. Do I need other people to say "Yo, that's great"? Nnnnyyyeah. Yeah I think I do.
I think everyone needs it from time to time.
My girl gives me lots of inspiration, so I can't complain.
Here's one for herself.
"Such a classic girl,
Gives her man great ideas.
Hears you tell your friends,
Hey man, listen to my great idea!
It's true I am a villain
When you fall ill,
that's probably because
Men never can be.
Not like a girl.
A classic girl...
Such a classic girl..."
That's the last video, I swear.
Tomorrow (kinda today, I guess) I'm going to try to be nice to the rest of the human race. I'll try not to become impatient with slow people in front of me, or fast people behind me, walking up my hole. No eyeballing red face, screaming kids with their Hitleresque snot-moustaches. I might even get into an elevator if there is a buggy in it, but I cant smile warmly and approvingly at the kid. Unless there's something wrong with it.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Wikiween Fridays
"Um Bongo is not marketed in either the Republic of the Congo or the Democratic Republic of The Congo".
Sometimes Wikipedia gets the better of me. In mid song, mid movie or even mid-thought. I seem to need to quench my thirst for knowledge about absolutely unimportant things at the strangest times. I do love the Controversy section on peoples biographies, unless they fail to give me the whole rub of whatever happened.
Halloween......., what an anticlimax, albeit from my wooden Dj box, it seemed to be anyway. People were insanely rude. I was insanely rude to the rude ones, but I'm much better at it than they are. People tell me I'm too good a being an asshole when I want to be, but I'm confident it's only employed when it's needed. Manners. Respect. I just need to learn Tolerance and I have the holy trinity.
The Saturday night after Halloween saw a plethora of Motorhead fans flock into Fibbers from the gig somewhere, nearthere, dontcare. I was only working until 12 o' clock so I decided to play absolutely no Momohead as a treat for them. I played three songs with something in common, back to back. I do this all the time in the hopes that someone will notice and say it. They never do.. say It I mean, maybe they notice but say nothing. I like to think they notice.
Pretty obvious on visual inspection :)
People didn't seem discomforted by my lack of playing obvious metal.
Motorhead are painfully bad. People wanted Judas Priest instead. Fuck them too. "Fuck the record and fuck the people". I quote SNOT because I forgot to play them.
Me and my lady had TGI Fridays tonight. We got our food before the people at the table beside us. They watched every forkful go into my mouth until they got their food. A bit annoying but the service was decent and orders accurate, so it was all good.
Hate of the day:
People grabbing hats off peoples heads.
Love of the day:
Films untainted by Hollywood bollocks.
I'm off to finish a piece of music that has been getting the better of me. I might get to shoot some chumps On Xbox live later too and maybe even catch up on some shows.
Life is good.
Sometimes Wikipedia gets the better of me. In mid song, mid movie or even mid-thought. I seem to need to quench my thirst for knowledge about absolutely unimportant things at the strangest times. I do love the Controversy section on peoples biographies, unless they fail to give me the whole rub of whatever happened.
Halloween......., what an anticlimax, albeit from my wooden Dj box, it seemed to be anyway. People were insanely rude. I was insanely rude to the rude ones, but I'm much better at it than they are. People tell me I'm too good a being an asshole when I want to be, but I'm confident it's only employed when it's needed. Manners. Respect. I just need to learn Tolerance and I have the holy trinity.
The Saturday night after Halloween saw a plethora of Motorhead fans flock into Fibbers from the gig somewhere, nearthere, dontcare. I was only working until 12 o' clock so I decided to play absolutely no Momohead as a treat for them. I played three songs with something in common, back to back. I do this all the time in the hopes that someone will notice and say it. They never do.. say It I mean, maybe they notice but say nothing. I like to think they notice.
Pretty obvious on visual inspection :)
People didn't seem discomforted by my lack of playing obvious metal.
Motorhead are painfully bad. People wanted Judas Priest instead. Fuck them too. "Fuck the record and fuck the people". I quote SNOT because I forgot to play them.
Me and my lady had TGI Fridays tonight. We got our food before the people at the table beside us. They watched every forkful go into my mouth until they got their food. A bit annoying but the service was decent and orders accurate, so it was all good.
Hate of the day:
People grabbing hats off peoples heads.
Love of the day:
Films untainted by Hollywood bollocks.
I'm off to finish a piece of music that has been getting the better of me. I might get to shoot some chumps On Xbox live later too and maybe even catch up on some shows.
Life is good.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Stevie Blunder
This is my first Blog. I already know that isn't a good enough topic for a blog so I'm going to talk about Stevie Wonder.
I was listening to Stevie Wonder songs tonight. I started to , without thinking as I was engrossed in something else, sway my head left and right for a couple of seconds, and stopped realising, I was doing his thing. I searched deep and quick inside my brain to find the answer to the question: "Had I been doing that because I know its what he does, or does his music just make you naturally do that?". It makes him do that, so... it might have the same effect for others. I concluded it was a bit of both, and that the song that had just come on was awful.
The song was Happy Birthday. It's a shit song in it's own right, but especially compared to it's playlist predecessor, his classics : Living For The City. I had never really listened to the lyrics of Happy Birthday before. I thought it was just a general birthday song. It became apparent it was about someone. At first I thought it was about Jesus, but then he was saying, in his lyrics, that this person should have a day dedicated to them and since Jesus has a pretty big one where people buy each other stuff like perfume, The Matrix Reloaded and , yeah, even Stevie Wonder cds, it couldn't be him.
My second guess was Martin Luther King. I called myself an idiot because I know he has an official day in the states. Martin Luther King day. Then, I took my idiot comment back, because I realised that this could have been Pre-Official-M.L.K-Day. He said it then in the song then, it was Martin Luther King.
The next song that came on was Master Blaster(Jammin) It was a song about Bob Marley's music, but I knew that one straight off the bat.
I was listening to Stevie Wonder songs tonight. I started to , without thinking as I was engrossed in something else, sway my head left and right for a couple of seconds, and stopped realising, I was doing his thing. I searched deep and quick inside my brain to find the answer to the question: "Had I been doing that because I know its what he does, or does his music just make you naturally do that?". It makes him do that, so... it might have the same effect for others. I concluded it was a bit of both, and that the song that had just come on was awful.
The song was Happy Birthday. It's a shit song in it's own right, but especially compared to it's playlist predecessor, his classics : Living For The City. I had never really listened to the lyrics of Happy Birthday before. I thought it was just a general birthday song. It became apparent it was about someone. At first I thought it was about Jesus, but then he was saying, in his lyrics, that this person should have a day dedicated to them and since Jesus has a pretty big one where people buy each other stuff like perfume, The Matrix Reloaded and , yeah, even Stevie Wonder cds, it couldn't be him.
My second guess was Martin Luther King. I called myself an idiot because I know he has an official day in the states. Martin Luther King day. Then, I took my idiot comment back, because I realised that this could have been Pre-Official-M.L.K-Day. He said it then in the song then, it was Martin Luther King.
The next song that came on was Master Blaster(Jammin) It was a song about Bob Marley's music, but I knew that one straight off the bat.
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