Leccy Piccy

I might go to Electric Picnic this year.

I have no interest in all the trendy bullshit music. "See that band over there dude, guys with the purple hair over their eyes and black and white striped jumpers, ja?, well they play keyboards run through distortion peddles, ja and they're called "Le" something... something French.. whatever is French is for "Theory"... but they're Welsh or Belgian or something and they are proper PROPER, loike". "Tiesto is playing, and we can hang with the knackers and pretend the world is grand, loike. Knackers are grand, jyaknow! Once you get yo know them they're the proper buzz, just like us, loike"

I don't want to go for the food, obviously. "Man go over to that little bus beside the bin area, mon, it's proper proper, loike. The Humous to Falafel ratio is loike.. sooo ledge. The Paella in the place beside it is so ledge and epic and they give you so many epic ledge chic peas that you can't even hold them on the soggy paper plate loike, ledge. I can't wait to get binned out of it, loike and scream how ledge Faithless are in my mates faces with garlic breath, loike ledge.

I don't want to go for the "buzz". I hate college people. I hate hippies. I hate college hippies. They're annoying. Especially culchie ones. They say things like "Oooooh my mate Bernard has a unicycle and a free gaff in Wexford" and they write shit like "No More Blood For Oil" in tip-ex on their bags. They tie-dye Led Zeppelin shirts that already come tie-died. Saps. I don't want to hang around with people who wear Crocs. You have to be simple to wear Crocs. Simple IN YOUR BRAIN. Fuck dreadlocks, they look shite if you're white. Go ahead. Grow dreadlocks, wear tie-dyed shit and crocs. You look like an European ad for LILT. Fuck the 5587375 engineering/art/whatever students calling each other epic ledges for falling over a fold up chair. Let's get this straight. AN EPIC NIGHT. What IS an epic night? Is it when Wicklow Mick climbed a tree after 4 sambucas? Is that all it takes? SOMEONE TELL KIRK DOUGLAS, THE DOPE, THAT SPARTACUS COULD HAVE BEEN MADE FOR A TENNER. EPIC LEGEND EPIC LEGEND. Fuck off.

So why then? Why do I want to go to Leccy?.. to EP10.. to LEC-PIC?-

Head shops are gone.

I want to go to see these people convulse on the ground somewhere between the David Gray tent and the Daft Punk tent, after taking really, really real, hard, illegal nasty, dirty, junkie drugs. This year, Epileptic Picnic is going to be a sea of vomit, murder and rape and I want to take photos of it and laugh at them ever day until I die, consumed by bitterness and hatred for everyone who isn't just like me.

Yeah...