Gay Day

Today I watched "Milk". Sean Penn was great in it. It musty have been strange to do gay love scenes if you're not gay. That thought kinda reminded me of that time I played a gay extra in an RTE show, years ago.

My mate rang me a few days before it was shooting and told me there was a few quid in it. About 7 of us, guys and girls, got on a bus to Bray. It wasn't a gay bus, just a regular one. When we got there everybody was checked up and down and sent to wardrobe. I wasn't sent to wardrobe. I didn't know if I should be embarrassed or chuffed. Not only was I not sent to wardrobe, but the guy told me to take my t-shirt off and give it to my mate, as my outer shirt, he said, looked perfect. I was too gay looking for one dude. We went into the toilet to make the switch. Some of this felt like beyond the call of duty method acting research.

While we were in the toilet, there was drag queens getting changed. These guys made me feel ill. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any issues with drag queens, but these dudes were fucking lazy bastards. One was putting on tights over hairy legs. It looked horrible. Mashed hair under what looked like his Granny's tights. One dude was putting on lipstick, but cheap looking poundshop stuff. He had stubble, so I guess it didn't take too much away from the look. I don't know much about transvestites, but I'm pretty sure these dudes were an absolute disgrace, AND they're going to be on television. Shirley Temple bar would have a mickey-fit if she saw. My shirt barely fit on my mate. Mad tight and ..well... A class move by the wardrobe direction guy.

We get out on the set and are assigned our positions (Insert suggestive murmer here). Shirley Temple Bar is there, beside a bingo machine, on the stage. Spoke too soon. This place is done up to look like the George someone said. There's a creepy old dude telling everyone that this is his 50th extra appearance. He was half shaved. He had missed a lot of spots. At least he tried harder than Bruno the half arsed tranny.

My two mates were put over beside the stage and me and another friend were put near the bar. Film sets are so boring. Hours filming the same scene where the main dude wins a round of Bingo and is called to the stage, we all clap and look as homosexual.. or at least as into Bingo as we can. My two mates were being too "cool dude" to get into it, so they were moved to the back and me and my friend were moved up to the seats. I guess we looked awkward and shy like perfect gay bar noobs. Between takes I was parched and went to drink some orange from a glass on the table but someone told me not to touch the prop drinks. Wouldnt want to get a continuity error there, no sir. Glasses don't empty or move postittion in pubs, sure.

That day ended, weeks passed and I had kinda forgotten all about it, apart from the money I was supposed to be getting sent out. I was out in town and I received a text from a friend. She wrote something along the lines of "SwitzSwoo Yougfelleh, you look FABULOUS on the screen"

I didn't get to see my "performance" until a few years later when it came out on double DVD and a friend bought it just to show everyone for the laugh . When we found the episode and the scene, there I was. just for a second. I looked bored. I think my mate was expecting me to be riding a pink donkey through the pub showering everyone with flowers and blowing kisses at the bar boys, but no. The camera then shot to me and my friend again. Still pretty bored. Then a third time. Same. Then a FOURTH. Hang on. Should I have been paid more than fifty quid for this?? I'm becoming an integral plot point, or at least a red herring. Then, when the guy finally wins the bingo, the camera shot around the pub and there we are, ....my friend and I,... looking like WE just won the gay lottery. Clapping like it's a new Christina Aguilera music video routine. Fake smiles and open eyed delight. At least that's what it felt like watching it through my finghers. It's probabaly not that bad.

Laugh were had, but I never want to be an extra again. It's insanely boring, but it was fun to try. it was an interesting experience, I guess. Ill try anything once.

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EVERYBODY DANCE NOW.