Public Toilets: An Emergency Guide

Tonight I was waiting for a mate on Grafton Street. Some junkbag asked me if I wanted any coke. My mouth was full at the time so I just shook my head. He looked real pissed off that I didn't respond with words. He would have ended up a whole lot more pissed off if my mouth hadn't been full of creamy Galaxy Fruit and Nut. Coke, Coke Heads and Coke Dealers can eat a big bowl of dick and choke.

My mate rang and said he would be a bit late. I needed to kill some more time. Standing around town makes you look suspicious, or at least that's what the people who were looking at me suspiciously would have me believe. I'll go the loo. Just a tinkle before the gig. I've only been to the place where the gig that we are going to is on once before, and I couldn't remember what the toilets were like, so I wont chance it. Is that a big deal for me? Welcome to this blog entry.

I went into McDonald's and I remembered the last time I needed to use McDonald's for an emergency drop off. Not the pee thing. The other thing. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I'm not going into it. Emergency public toilet drop-offs are my worst nightmare. I usually have to try 4-5 different places in town before I can set down. There's two main problems with using public toilets that I encounter.

ONE
Usually there is three cubicles. One will be full of .. "spray"... one will be full of .... "marks" and the other will be covered in both. All will be covered in cigarette burns, but they don't bother me so much as I cover the seats in paper, like 50 ply. Sometimes people don't flush. I've been scabby in the past and used the disabled toilets and I gotta say, ...clean as a whistle. Disabled people, people who possibly have trouble using the toilet, keep cleaner bowl than able-bodied Joes. Insane.

TWO
There's people outside the door who can hear you poop. They're listening. What if.. I dunno.. your poo makes funny sounds. Sometimes...I'm just gonna say it.... my butt sings. Only sometimes. As a result I can't do it when there's people outside the door. So what to do? Well.. here's a small guide with the main moves. From the title menu, press and hold Start and Select...

The Hitman
Wait until you're certain the place is empty and do the job. This can take a while and you can never be too sure if you're alone.

Army Of Two & The Back Stab
Some people aren't lunatics and will let loose in a toilet like people probably should. I wish I could but I'm weird. The plan is to wait until someone else does what you wanna do... and join in. At least you wont be alone. ALWAYS let him walk out first to face the awkwardness. Alone.

The Silencer/ Muffler
Take a hand full of toilet ro...... No.
Not even going to explain that one. It's straight up wrong, like.

Distractor Fan
Since the middle ages, assassins and criminals would use distractions or loud noises to cover the sound of a hit or a heist. Later on, in centuries to follow, sometimes snipers would wait until the bell tower struck 12 to take a shot covering up the sound of the gunshot. Well nowadays the common Hand Dryer is your friend. Some of those yokes are JET-ENGINE-LOUD. Wait till one goes off and get ready to push it to the limit.

I hope these help somebody someday. Getting caught out in town is no joke. I will leave you with this glimmer of hope. Yamamori on Georges St has the single most amazing toilet in the history of public toilets. It's you... in a room... on your own. Mega clean. A big thick door locks you in and there is a good stroll down to the toilet bowl itself, meaning people outside waiting can't hear what goes on with you and your loo.

Maybe someday we can all live in a world where public toilets are even half this amazing but I guess not all restaurants serve bowel destroying Wasabi every day.

Bye for now. Happy Holodecks if I don't blog to you before then.